idontknowwhattowritehere

That last post i wrote. How excited i was being accepted by SIA. To be one of their prestigious icon. It has always been a dream to be one.

4 years later

If you would ask me again if i would want to be a stewardess my answer would definitely be no.

I remember clearly my first few years of flying i was having the time of my life. i get to see the world go to places I've never thought possible. Paris London NewYork Milan it was surreal. I was earning 6-7K (at that time allowance was good) branded bags shoes clothes was never a problem. I get to be away from home which means i get to party all night without my parents calling me every second asking me to come home. Partied in London Tokyo NewYork . Everything was like a dream . I had the best years of my life. Men were readily available to give u attention, lonely stewards pilots will always be around to pamper u with drinks buy u lunch and dinner just so you could accompany them while their wife or gf is away. It was definitely the best years of my life. Or so i thought.

6 months into flying.

Met a boy, he was a student in Perth. Story short we went out dated for a bit and got together . To me being with him was a convenience . At that time being in a relationship was not really a need as i was still enjoying my time flying but at the same time i know age is catching up so maybe i should get myself a boyfriend someone to be there when I'm in need . I get to change my flight to Perth whenever i feel like seeing him. On my long off days i would fly to perth to take a short break to get away from home using the excuse of seeing him. I never like being at home i was always finding ways to get out of singapore. So being with him was perfect .

Years goes by. Flying became a chore . Jet lags start to take a toll out of me. Nasty leaders start to annoy me even more . Stations became repetitive . Within 2 years of flying i had covered all destinations . Shopping in NewYork wasn't exciting anymore parties in London became mundane weekends means catching up on more sleep. My soul died just instantly. So i told myself i got to do something.

Thats when i ask the boy. Shall we get married. He said ok.

I began making plans even though deep inside i knew we both weren't ready. He was still struggling with his studies while i wanted to get married just because i feel empty. We got engaged . i do love him but i wasn't happy i thought i was very happy when it suddenly hit me. No i don't want this. He is not for me . I can't get married . So i broke of the engagement.

Why?

So i met another boy along the way. Dashing young pilot. Itnwas his first few solo flight when we flew for the first time. Very new very eager to jump into anything. Oh i knew him even before we met on a flight . He is a good friend of mr fiancé. We met once in Perth. That point of time i couldn't lay my eyes off him he is the cutest guy I've seen. I was flirting with him with my eyes while his gf was just there and mr fiancé was just beside me. I knew i will never be with someone like him. He is so over my league i thought to myself. We still see each other sometimes when mr fiance wanted to see him for a drink i would tag along secretly putting my best smile just so he would at least notice me.

We got rostered for a flight to Male . I was excited i even told mr fiance "OMG I'm so excited ur friend's on my flight." You can imagine how piss the fiance was when he heard that. Long story short after Male we kept in contact . I fell in love with the dashing young pilot and i broke of the engagement with the fiance just like that.

Me and dashing young pilot got together after awhile. It was amazing the first few months. Flying became enjoyable again. We flew together every chance we got and I got my lifeless soul back. He was everything i could ask for. Funny smart cute it felt like i was the luckiest girl in the world. I was pampered like a princess i get anything i want . Then one day he got me pregnant.

The day i found out i was pregnant was one of the hardest moment i had to go through. I never want it to happen . One because i wasn't sure what to do secondly being pregnant means a lot to me. I have always wanted a baby girl i was happy and sad at the same time. What do i tell my parents ? But deep inside i know i want this baby so badly and i was so in love with him. I called him from Sao Paolo crying wailing about it. He calmed me down telling me everything is going to be ok. I came back home we discuss about it and decide to abort it. That was what he wanted i didn't want to but i listen because i love him and he told me he will take care of me after that. And i trusted him. My dad finally found out about it he found the doctors letter. He cried to me asking me what have i done to myself. I had to assure my dad he will take care of me because i trusted he will. But even before i get to abort the baby, the baby left . I had a miscarriage one night. The pain i endure the whole night i kinda knew the baby was gone.

We went back to our normal life again. Parties staycays holidays unprotected sex again and again. After awhile my soul became empty again but i kept quite. I didn't want to tell him that I'm tired of this i want to settle down and get my life straight. Im afraid if i tell him that he would leave me because i know he is not ready to stop the life he is having . After awhile i got pregnant again. I handle it better this time and aborted it. No one knew. Again i didn't want to but he insist telling me he will take care of me. And thats when the idea of marrying him became a no question ask. Its like u got me pregnant TWICE u better marry me. How many more time do i have to live with sins.

He proposed to me one day. I held back my tears i was too happy. I love this boy and this boy wants to marry me. I thought finally i can have what I've always wanted.

Months goes by . Mr fiance came to know about us and threatened our relationship. Everything start to fall apart. Getting married was never in the picture anymore till he ask for a breakup. I guess the thought of betraying his friend got into him and getting married wasn't the right thing to do.

My world came crashing . The boy whom i love so much the boy who promise everything to me left. I was in Paris when he told me. I cried the whole day i didn't eat for 3 days not a single grain of rice. I tried so hard to get him back i texted him non stop not to do this to me. He left just like that when just few days before he was telling me how much he love me. Till i realise what he did to me was exactly what i did to Mr fiance. Retribution.

I came back home feeling miserable then before. I couldn't tell my friends definitely not my parents. My dad will come banging on his house door I'm very sure. I didn't know who to turn to. I decide to turn to his friend. His friend called to talk to me but still didn't help me get any answers but he told me one thing. I can't help you, No one can help but Allah. Solat. I burst down in tears again.

4 years of flying made me forget my creator. I went astray the moment i started flying. Solat has became an 'only ramadhan' thing . I was too caught up with dunyawi i forget what my parents has instilled in me the values the morals . Papa always pesan 'Jaga maruah adik jaga maruah keluarga'. i forgot it all. i was enjoying my flying days too much i forget who got me my dream job in the first place. I prayed and ask god to give me this job and when i got it i forget him. He gave me the biggest punishment and he took away what matters to me right now.

I thought very long . Prayed and ask Allah for what is best for me. Thought really hard. Maybe what he is going through is exactly what i went through my 1st 2 years of flying. You want to see everything try everything. Its the magic of flying. The life u never thought u could have. And settling down means giving up everything.

Tapi sampai bila....

I still love him . I won't lie i still ask Allah to give him back to me. I miss him so much i love him too much. At this point I'm still hoping i am still holding on i am still not giving up just as yet. I still pray he could open his heart and see . Esp the fact that i twice carried his baby even if its for awhile. He is good man. Man with values comes from a good family always putting his family first . Everything i want from a husband. But maybe Allah love me more and if he have better plans for me. Ill just have to accept it.

U can't always get what u want in life, just feel bless, bersyukur with what u already have .